crotcho rector.

I don’t know that I have anything to say that is of particular importance, except that I feel it’s time for an updated blog. Here goes.

Someone once commented on my writing style, saying it always seemed excited or rushed -in a good way. I mean, I took it as a compliment; and she really meant it as one. I’ve found I enjoy the quick banter of my own mind. If I were you, I would read my blog too. Heck, I do. Anyway, I almost always have to go to the bathroom when I write posts; I strongly believe that is the secret to my “anxiety.”

I’m not sure why I still wear shoes without socks. My toes are cold and my feet stink. I know that beauty can sometimes equal pain (I really say that with a lot of  sarcasm; it’s just stupid), but it is generally believed that I am the one to feel the pain and not my roommates. Also, I’m not sure anyone really thought of frostbite when they threw that slogan out there. My poor little piggies.

I’m pretty excited about going back to IHOP. I’m actually pumped. I miss it like it’s home -it totally is. But I’m going back with only half the money I need. I’ve realized yet another area in my heart that needs revelation of God being a good Dad. He can totally take care of me! But it’s one thing to say it and another to feel it deep inside the ol’ chest cavity, here (pat, pat). Mm mm mm. I need to go back to the simplicity of wrapping my tiny hand around his finger; everything is gonna be alright.

Sometimes grammar goes right out the door on this blog of mine. Most times grammar goes right out the door on this blog of mine. What is grammar?… (says the girl who failed the entrance exam to advanced grammar class in highschool)

I need to believe that the Holy Spirit actually makes his home inside me. I’m not sure I would ever condemn myself again. I would never feel far away from him. I would see more accidental miracles every day. I would be buzzed in the Spirit way more often. Sickness would open the door and meet Jesus. I would hold my tongue a lot more. I would experience God’s heart as my Daddy all the time. THINGS WOULD JUST BE BETTER. Such elementary principles, yet the power behind the simplicity is grand. I have blonde hairs, I breathe out after I breathe in, I have two eyes, my nose is for smelling things, the Spirit of the Uncreated God dwells inside of me because I am his house, I am hungry when I do not eat, I have ten fingers, I have two ears…

…I don’t really know who God is- or at least what I do know confounds me. The conversation with Stuart about the Gospel replays like it’s in constant rewind everytime I read about a simple truth in the Bible that I never believe or walk out. “What is the gospel? —errrrreeeeeee!— What is the gospel? —errrreeeeee!— What is the gospel?”  The Spirit of God lives, sits, fills, dwells inside me. Inside me. INSIDE OF ME. Indwelling Spirit. whimper. I need to know God. The Bible is…amazing.

Joel Hill is the best man on earth. If you were me, you would feel the same way too (profound…). For real though, he is the best man. On earth. For real. I have many stories to tell when I return to Kansas City, MO. Or to whomever asks. I like life!!!!!!!!!! (p.s. I’m gettin’ married real soon ya’ll! no ring yet, but i can feel it in my bones: i’m gettin’ married real soon!)

My last thoughts: Jewwy Rector, Phooey Rector, Si Senor Rector, and Crotcho Rector. The best invisible friend family I have ever heard of, thanks to a 4-year-old. Goodnight one, goodnight all!

she will be loved.

Here are my thoughts:

I push the line. There are times, yes, that I probably should stay as far away from “the line” as I can; but then I am so grateful that God put a fighter inside me. Cause I don’t just push good boundary lines, I push bad ones -the lines that are drawn to confine the creative, define the unexplainable, and resist the Uncontainable. I am a dreamer. And I would be a lame dreamer if I only dreamed of doing things that are humanly possible. So I push that line a lot. 

I feel safe on my blog. I think it’s because I am no longer “subjecting people to my thoughts.” I’ve learned I get frustrated fairly easily when people don’t care about what I have to say. I should get over it. Yeah. I’ll do it!

I’ve found when I am overwhelmed by the drama of life or the complexity and depth of God or the noise of the prayer room, I find much comfort in water. I would explain, but I could write an entire post on this… and I don’t want to right now. 

I realized that my boundary issues with guys have a root in not knowing Jesus as my brother. Wild. So I’ve been meditating on the incarnation in the prayer room. It blows my mind. God, the most radiant, powerful, Uncreated One, CHOSE to become weak… all because of his desire for me. If you want to learn to love weakness like God does, meditate on the incarnation. The Son of God became a man FOREVER. Wild. 

Jesus endured the cross (the picture of shame, weakness, and the accursed) for the joy set before him. We are the joy set before him. And we know it. But for some reason, when we hear the verse about taking up our cross daily, we tend to put a negative spin on it. “Crucify my ugly flesh, deny all of my own desires and resist pleasure, make myself be good.” I mean, I definitely have only felt conviction and soberness when I read that verse… until recently. Sure, there is an element of sobriety, but the end result of taking up our cross is pleasure. As is any command of Christ- read Psalm 119. We are to imitate Christ, including in the very way he bore his cross. And he endured for “the joy set before him”, his portion, his inheritance, his prize, his bride. Thus, we endure the cross for the joy set before us, our portion, our inheritance, our prize, our husband. No longer can I think about taking up my cross with a guilty conscience, fear, or failure- but only with joy. Cause I’m gonna be with my Man forever one day and no can take that away from me. That is the life of the crucified, the lovesick, the bride – we are prepared for Him by setting Him as the center of our gaze, the apple of our eye. Taking up our cross is a joyous thing and I think any less than being overjoyed (or choosing to have joy in it) is religious and an imitation of the Pharisees, not Jesus. I can only think of how Jesus was frustrated by their habit of fasting publicly, distorting their faces to appear wretched and starved, etc. I don’t wanna be like that. I was made for pleasure, I was made to be a Man’s joy and to enjoy him- anything less than that is compromise. Resisting pleasure is not the fasted lifestyle, it is just dumb. And so, for the joy set before us, we gladly take up our cross, denying ourselves, despising the shame, surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses yelling “RUN!”, and our eyes fixed on the goal. We all desperately need some eternal perspective. 

Jesus talked so much about rewards. He really likes them. A lot of times he just says, in a matter of words, “Do this so you can get a reward.” I’m cool with that. 

Why do we humble ourselves? So He can exalt us. Ha. Hahaha. I love it. 

I finally learned how to read my Bible. It’s glorious. 

I keep hearing God, or something heavenly, singing over me: “And she will be loved! And she will be loved! And she will be loved!” (Maroon 5) Hm… To label music as “Worship music,” to make that a genre or style, I believe is to put boundaries on how God can use music to move people. 

I’m just gonna leave that as controversially open as it is. 

Class time. Clay. Yay.

real beauty.

My last blog post was so long. I’m actually going to work on that…

I feel that this post is going to be a lot of small thoughts- snippets of my mind; a mosaic of of my brain, really.

I love to need God. It was definitely a learned appreciation. But now that I understand how weak I am, I actually pray that he keeps me in this place of complete poverty before him. “Being poor in spirit is to acknowledge that we are in great need of help to sustain wholeheartedness.” A couple nights ago, as I lay in bed, I became extremely vexed by the constant presence of sin in my life. My entire body felt like a pinball machine of thoughts and emotions- I think I even threw in a couple blinking lights and “boop, beep!”s just for good measure. As I stared at the ceiling, which was predictably white and blank (ceilings are so reliable); the reality of my dirt and filth, and even my incapability of doing anything about it,  punched me in the gut. It was in this place of wishing I could vomit, but only having the strength or willpower to whimper, that God spoke to me. “Now you know you need me.” And he smiled. I realized that God was proud of me. Even in my sin, he delights in me- because he looks on my heart. His ways are mysterious and wonderful. And so I am inexpressibly grateful that I am weak; because it’s scarier to think that I can do even one thing on my own than it is to admit that I need help to do anything at all. And you know what: I’ve never been happier or freer in my relationship with Jesus than I am now that I am in this place of brokenness, having been laid bare before his perfection. It’s incredible; certainly NOT the traditional American mindset. I love it. God is so controversial. : )

“The fasted lifestyle is resisting over-indulgence.” Live simply. Notice how “resist” is a verb. My personal response to the temptation of over-indulging is to be extremely generous- with everything. Oh glory. : )

I am so grateful that I have a boyfriend who is so much like Jesus. And, honestly, I never realized just how humble Joel really is until I came here to IHOP. But he is. It’s extraordinary. I can even see Jesus in his eyes. Ah. I love him. : )

I was sitting in the prayer room tonight during the 12-2am intercession set and, for the life of me, I could not keep my mind from wandering. I kept thinking of little things I could do to bless people. Anyone who really knows me knows that I love to do little things to love on people- cause I just love people! So my mind would wander from meditating on the Lord to thinking about writing notes, giving things away, what have you… It was like I couldn’t concentrate no matter how tight I squeezed my eyes or said “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” in my mind. In the middle of, like, my 27th bunny trail, God said: “You are so thoughtful.” He was praising me with a tone of voice that expressed so much delight and love. For a second I thought, “Ahh he caught me!” But I was overwhelmed with his nearness and intimate friendship and took the opportunity to just talk with him. So I said, “Ohhh- you are so encouraging,” and I closed my eyes- my heart absolutely enamored. As I sunk blissfully into his presence, he said: “See? This is the kind of God I am.”  Ahh!! He is so gracious and compassionate, kind and abounding in steadfast love, merciful and perfect,  having a heart with no impure motives- he is the God who still desires to wash the feet of his disciples. I love him. How do you resist him? : )

I don’t really feel like explaining the weight of what he said, but I will say that what he said to me broke a false paradigm  that I had of him being a father who “wants things done immediately and perfectly.” He is so generous with his patience and his love. He is so good! : )

Hey, free webstream of IHOP, wed-sat, 6pm-12am central time: IHOP.org. Lots of people are getting healed physically (chronic back pain, carpel tunnel, blindness, acid reflux, etc) and emotionally (depression, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, addictions[drugs, porn, alcohol, sex, etc], tormenting thoughts, etc)- even over webstream! Universities across the nation are experiencing outpouring because of the webstream! It’s super sweet. So, get on, get healed, be with Jesus. : ) I strongly recommend it (and I don’t say that about a lot of things….especially not stuff like this). God actually totally delivered me from my addiction to the approval of man. An addiction that caused so much fear and pain for years was broken in a matter of days. Freedom is glorious. : )

Alright. Well, so much for this being shorter. Ha.

Read your bible.

Oh hey, I need money for 2nd track- $1700 to be exact- and it’s all due by December 30th. Pray for me and/or ask God if you should support me. Honestly, I just need help with this cause I have…well, not much. So yes! : ) I need you! Praise God that he designed us to need each other. Let me know if you can help me out. Thanks!

happy to be poor.

Oh where to begin. : )

So much has happened since I last wrote on here. I would write more if I had time and access to the internet in my apartment. But I assume God knows how distracting and time consuming computers can be. He’s so wise, our God. : )

I’ve been learning a lot about being “poor in spirit.” You know, Matthew 5:3, “Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Also closely related, “Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted.” That would be Matthew 5:4) And I have got to say, it is the toughest lesson I have ever learned. To realize, as a teacher at Elim said, your complete poverty in spirit.

I have nothing, not even scraps, without Christ. I am empty and broken and impoverished. When I think of Laci and what she has to offer of herself, I see a skeleton- no organs, no flesh- just emptiness. Without God I have nothing. I can’t even LOVE him (or anyone else, for that matter) without him having loved me first. Being poor in spirit is realizing this and knowing that anything I have now is only because of Him. And I tell you what, it keeps you faithful. And you know what else!? The bible says we are happy when we are poor in spirit. “[Happy] are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Happy am I when my only worth comes from Him, when my only riches are at His right hand. “At your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” (Ps. 16:11b) “For where your treasure is there your heart will be also.” (Mt. 6:21) I have nothing, I am nothing without Jesus. (John 3:16- oh, another blog for another day)

When we die to our flesh- I mean, really really just die, burn, smoke, whatever- when we die,…then we know life. Just like when we lower ourselves, he exalts us. I gotta say, Jesus is really in the business of using weak things. Anyway, there is only freedom as true sons of God when we fully trust and recognize that we no longer live, but that it is Christ who lives in us. Now we say that a lot, but we don’t get it. It’s pretty popular Christian jargon (as it is a great and common verse), but I’ve noticed that most of us have no idea what we’re saying anyway (except for a few intelligent people who only really get it in their mind). If I don’t live, then what did I do? I DIED. I am dead, dead, dead. Hallelujah! This is what it is to “die to ourselves.”

But die. I mean, really die. Just die. I keep saying “die” because a lot of us think of “dying to ourselves” as taking a really long nap or being in some sort of a coma. No! Die. Let it die. And the way to do that is by realizing that your only life is in Jesus. You are impoverished, low, empty, your righteousness is as filthy rags- without Jesus. But with Jesus… : ) Let’s just say, you are “seated with Christ in heavenly places.”(Eph. 2:6) Meditate on that after you meditate on Matthew 5:3.

So, a book I’m reading, called “The Way of the Heart,” talks about solitude. Most of us think of solitude as privacy, alone time, recharge time, “as the corner of the boxing ring where our wounds are oiled, our muscles massaged, and our courage restored by fitting slogans,” etc. But there were people in history that had solitude very unlike what we imagine. For instance, John the Baptist, Jesus, St. Benedict, the brothers of Taize, etc. They went to the desert and found a radical solitude: the furnace of transformation. The author, Henry Nouwen, writes about the “call to let our false, compulsive self be transformed into the new self of Jesus Christ” and how solitude is the furnace in which said transformation happens. In reading this book I have realized how secular my life really is- and even my ministry! I so wish I could just type out the entire book on my blog. I’ve only read thirteen pages and I keep rereading them, speaking in tongues as I reread them again, underlining and drawing arrows as I read again- and that’s just the first section out of three and the first thirteen pages. I’ve been wrecked.

This book has caused me to face that I have many worldly dependencies. Everyone I know does. When my sense of self depends on what everyone thinks about me, it’s natural to be angry or wounded when someone makes fun of me, or deeply offended when someone gossips about me. It has so paralyzed the generous heart God gave me and it will always blind me to my true identity. Unless we get rid of all of our scaffolding and all the foundations we’ve built upon that are not Jesus Christ, we will never understand who we really are. We must become poor in spirit. We must die so that we can live. Solitude is the means to this end. It is the place that all of our dependencies and securities are removed and we face the nothingness that is our false self. “Solitude is the place of the great struggle and the great encounter –the struggle against the compulsions of the false self, and the encounter with the loving God who offers himself as the substance of the new self.” “It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude, a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work, and my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.”

As you know, I spend about 38 hours a week in the prayer room. Since my last blog post, God has been radically showing me how to be poor in spirit. I have been faced with losing my biggest source of security (Outside of God, of course. Which, incidentally, I am still faced with losing. I believe it is God’s way of “helping” me- more on that another time), having no time to talk to any of my friends, no secular entertainment or comfort (TV, movies, music aside from the prayer room [which is harder than it sounds], enough sleep, weekends, holidays, etc), comfort food, the security of having a job that provides money, and then contact with Joel was removed except via postmarked mail, etc. As I am reading this book, I think, “Oh man, well, God removed all my scaffolding already! And look at how well I am doing with my solitude!” And to some effect, it’s true: IHOP is a kind of solitude, a desert of sorts. It’s more of the Hosea 2:14 or the Song of Songs 8:5 wilderness than an “absence of life and living water” kind of desert (I have been to both, though the latter is usually man’s doing). Well, God speaks up a couple nights later and says, “Hey, so about your scaffolding- give me all your thoughts.” We find security in our thoughts! For instance, ladies, when we feel insecure about our bodies- we find security in comparing ourselves to a less-appealing frame of another woman (which is also another blog I am planning on writing). We find security in the thought that “at least I’m not as bad off as that today.” See? We use thoughts to reassure us of our worth. So I tried giving God my “security thoughts.” What a mess. My insecurities jumped into my face and my sin pounded on my door. I finally had to face my fears and my humanity head-on instead of building walls. I’m talking my darkest sins: lust, envy, anger, immorality, lying, unfaithfulness, etc. And– all the thoughts and actions attached to those profiles. It was messy. Henry Nouwen calls running from this a “restless effort to convince ourselves of our virtuousness.” Ha.  But I had to face them! In facing my weaknesses without my false securities and comforts, I encountered the love of God. He’s the God who says, “You are lovely,” when I say, “I am dark.” I emptied myself of all the ways that I had justified myself so that I could allow his blood to justify me. When I realized my need, I realized how great he was to offer himself as the substance of my new self. And that’s slowly when my old man was being burned away and my new man had room to exist.

Becoming poor in spirit allows you to reject sin’s cycle, it stops the persistent sins and addictions, it brings a brokenness that gives no room for apathy or complacency (one of the most deadly sins, in my opinion. It is “deadly” in that it numbs you almost completely and stunts spiritual growth, while deceiving you so that you do “just enough” to still feel good about your relationship with Christ; leading into only more sin), it revives your unfeeling heart, and opens your eyes to the glory and beauty of Jesus and his perfect, steadfast, abounding love!

I had to write about this because I think it is imperative to being like Jesus. Living the 8 Beatitudes IS the Christian lifestyle- it isn’t radical, it’s necessary. Anything less is compromise and befriending the world- and then we have to ask ourselves if we just “love” God because we don’t want to go to hell and he makes us feel good when his presence shows up in church or in our quiet time (which we also neglect- someone here is writing this to herself). Have we thought about the reality that Jesus is totally human and totally God and that he will have an actual dwelling place in the New Jerusalem that comes down to earth? And that some people will have to travel to see him and some people won’t because of their choices on earth? I mean it’s pretty logical right? He’s on his throne, he has a dwelling place. Our choices in our 70+ years on earth actually affect our rewards in Heaven, including (if you actually believe this is a reward, cause I think it’s the greatest reward) dwelling in his house! (read Psalm 27:4) I want to be with him always- I only want him! Having a revelation of eternity sure affects the choices we make on earth. Anyway, real Christianity IS being poor in spirit, merciful, starving for righteousness, mourning, etc. Real Christianity is the teachings of Christ- every one of them. It isn’t radical, it’s just living like we actually believe Jesus is kind and truthful, and God. It’s our mandate as his disciples.

So anyway, that’s a small update on my heart. So go be with Jesus! Rest in his healing presence- acknowledge your weakness so you will stop trying to earn his affection. : ) Ahhh beautiful image-bearers of God. He delights to look at you.

Small run of updates: Sabbath tomorrow, inner healing happened yesterday and today (INSANE), I have to pee, I miss Joel, I did laundry for the second time in 6 weeks yesterday, crazy outpouring of the Holy Spirit at IHOP yesterday and it’s still going!!!! (I’m in the coffee house and people are getting drunk in the Spirit haha), I’ve read the Pentateuch in 4 days (I even woke up saying people from the begets) and retained it all!!!!!, memorizing verses to help me deal with temptation, learning to knit, haven’t clipped my nails since before I left home, my messenger bag broke (single tear), I haven’t cursed even once or in my head since I’ve been at IHOP and I don’t have a desire to do it, only made two crude jokes since I’ve been here (this mind is being renewed by the living word of God- cause the Bible breathes, guys…ha), IHOP is trying to get the webcast free for anyone in the world (pray for them to do that- it’d be major for believers in other countries that aren’t even remotely well-off), and well, I really have to pee so I just need to go (you have no idea, I’ve been holding it for the past 2.5 hours! Not that you really wanted to know that, but it’s my blog so…ha) : ) I love you all (especially Natalie and my handsome boyfriend).  

I’m praying for you. I want to quote one of Paul’s verses to the church, but I’ll restrain myself.

the reality of humanity.

            I’ve come to a harsh reality this week. Can I just define harsh for you?

Harsh- Severe, cruel, or exacting; physically uncomfortable; ungentle and unpleasant in action or effect.

            I’ve come to a harsh reality this week: I am a human being. It’s true. My heart is dark, it devises evil (Jeremiah 17:9). Though my spirit is willing, my flesh is weak. I constantly do things that I do not want to do and the consequences are brutal. Sin has no mercy. Satan looks for ways to separate close friends, to destroy the reputations of righteous men, to pollute and pervert the Bride.

            “Hurt people hurt people.”

            I’ve become very aware of my frailties. My weaknesses have been exposed; my secret sins have been laid open.

            I look at it like my heart had all these poisonous trees that were planted from these sins that I’ve hidden from everyone. When I committed the sins, I realized quickly how detrimental they were to my success and to my relationships with people. I felt sorrowful and even wept as I chopped away at the branches of my poisonous trees. Eventually I had fruitless, branchless trees. Then I confessed my sins to God and sought ways never to return to these particular sins. As I received new revelation, I began to chop the trees down. Soon the trees weren’t visible above the ground. I could now only see the tops of the dead stumps. I brushed my dusty heart soil over them and concealed them. “Good as it’s gonna get!” I thought to myself, actually quite relieved to have been forgiven by God.

Then God sent me to IHOP-KC. (I wish I could insert some pensive music here). I began to pray the God would shine the light of his glorious face, the face that shines like the brightness of the sun, on me. “Take me, break me, just make me sensitive to you!” I sang with all the ignorant sincerity of my soul, not realizing the outcome of singing such powerful words. There is power in our tongues. The other night I lay in my bed and visions of my recent past began to flash before my eyes. “Oh man, Satan is really at it tonight,” I thought. I began to pray to Jesus to bring light and truth into my heart, to keep me from all the accusations of the evil one. The flashbacks continued until I fell asleep. The next morning I realized I had even dreamed about my past. (Keep in mind this is recent past, so within the past year) Still thinking it was Satan, I responded as if I had been beat around by demons all night. The day continued and my past plagued me like living nightmares.

           Eventually I couldn’t even focus in the prayer room anymore. After talking to my core leader, confessing my deepest darkest secrets, and bitterly weeping, I went to sit in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I saw my heart and he had brushed the dust away from the tops of my stumps. “You left the roots in here, baby,” he said gently. “How do I get them out?” I asked timidly. “Oh, I’ll take them out.” He replied quickly. And with that he plunged his strong hands into the twisted roots until he had them with a firm grasp. Then he began to pull. “Oh God! You have got to be kidding! This cannot be the only way to get these little guys out!” I winced at him. “Let it go.” “What? Let what go?” “Let it go, sweet girl. Let Daddy do it.”  I realized then that I had stuck my baby fist in with his, knuckles white, holding onto the dead trees as if my life depended on it. He explained to me two verses: “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13) “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” (James 5:16a- I also realize the context for this verse, but if God applies it…) He told me that I had to bring these sins into the light. I had wronged people and I had to confess to them. As he said that, I began to weep. “Oh God, those were months ago! There is peace between me and these people now. Mercy, please!” “There may be peace between both of you, but there is no peace in your heart. This is my mercy.” Tears streaming down my face, I realized that some of these people may never forgive me. I may lose friends I care deeply about, people I pray for every day. “Mercy! Mercy! Mercy, God, mercy!” “This is my mercy! This is my mercy!” He cried back.

           Finally, I realized this was unavoidable. He had forgiven me when I confessed to him back at the time I first sinned. But I hadn’t brought them into the light. I was hiding them to avoid the pain. And now the roots were comfy and my heart had gotten used to its new neighbors. Now is the time. As I’ve been sensitized to the voice of the Spirit, I can no longer resist his Seal of Love. I have to have a clean heart. And so I yielded to his instruction.

           I’ve become very aware of my frailties. And with this, I have entered a season of brokenness before God and before men. I am allowing God to make me vulnerable as he ushers me into a season of repentance, the fruit of which is my restoration and his righteousness. I know, by his grace and his seal of Love, that I won’t return to my “vomit” like a fool. But it’s this season of confession that tests my devotion to God. He is asking me, “How much do you love me? How much do you love my people?”

           Can I just say how humbling it is to actually think the Holy Spirit’s prodding and highlighting is Satan attacking? I laugh now, but at the time it was very sobering to realize the Pharisees thought the same thing.

           Anyway, it would be glorious if everyone I know could determine in their hearts to forgive and restore the standard before I even talk to them. My heart would breathe a sigh of major relief. However, I realize that for some people it will be too much to decide in one moment. Still, there is much power in a righteous man’s prayer (that’s the other part of James 5:16). Just know that I pray constantly for all of you. God has put you as a burden of love on my heart and now we just have more “iron sharpening iron.” It’ll be good. God loves me. (And you better believe he loves you with all this confessing he wants me to do! Ha)

Anyway, I pray for you, that God would set his seal of Love upon your hearts. That he would guard you from the enemy who seeks to destroy. That he would uplift and strengthen your hearts in intimate encounters with his Spirit.

I love you all, dearly. More than anything, you are my treasures.

pull.

Well, hello. Let me just get right to what is on my heart. Jesus has to help me cause these are convictions I’ve had about myself lately:

“And he said to him, ‘If you presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here. For how shall it be known that I have found favor in your sight, I and your people? Is it not in your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?” (Exodus 33:15-16)

            Moses got it. We don’t really got it.

             Are we so ungrateful and blind to his beauty that we cannot comprehend the blessing of being different from everyone else? Do we so take advantage of his presence by subconsciously willing to blend in? We are willing, in our fear of man, that God be as unrecognizable as possible (without becoming entirely absent), but still asking for his blessings and favor. “More, more!” we pray, “but don’t offend anyone around me.” For the most part, I think we’d all be ok if God’s presence caused our faces to shine with his glory, but we can’t bring ourselves to bear an hour in the morning with the most beautiful man who ever lived. THANK GOD that even our weak glance moves his heart. I love that.

            We have to start being the iron that makes the dull places in our friends’ lives very uncomfortable. If we love each other, we’ll sharpen each other. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17) “Let a righteous man strike me–it is a kindness; let him rebuke me–it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it.” (Psalm 141:5) “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:6) I would love to have the kind of lifestyle that causes others’ compromised areas to feel uncomfortable and even unbearable –and it’s because I love them dearly and want them to walk worthy of their calling, to truly embrace a lifestyle that reflects their desire to spend eternity with a pure and holy God. I’m ok with them not liking me for awhile.

I recently heard someone say something that I have said before- “I don’t want Jesus to come back yet because I want to get married.” (or “I want to have a family,” etc.) I’m not sure it ever hit me how sad it is that we, as the bride of Christ, could feel that way about him coming back to be with us forever. What are our eighty more years on earth compared to an eternity where we won’t be married to anyone but Jesus? Yeah, a breath. And some of us may not even live that long. I’m not saying that all of us single ones embrace celibacy or even that we shouldn’t be excited about getting married to our significant others, but I am saying that we should be more excited about marrying Jesus. I would so much rather Jesus come back for me than I would to get married to Joel. Jesus says, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” (Luke 14:26) I really hope that verse makes you a little angry with Jesus so that you’ll meditate on it and tear it open.

Anyway, yeah; Jesus, help us to keep you as our One Thing, to be a faithful lover like you are. Open our eyes to see you in your beauty and reveal to us the secrets of our betrothal to you- let your Word burn in me like fire. Give us grace to get to the place where we can desire your refining fire. “Stir my affection, stir my affection, stir my affection for You.” Wreck us with your love. Maranatha, Jesus! : )

Oh hey, P.S. IHOP is really hard. Haha. It feels like something/someone is crushing all of my fleshly man out of my spirit man. Sometimes I really have issues with that crushing someone. But then I always just really love his mercy too. Haha. But yeah, I thought I’d be real.

I miss Joel. The end. 

 

ALSO, I would like to correct a previous post about gossiping that I wrote a few weeks ago. Venting is gossip. If you have issues about people, talk to God. Be a mature and strong Christian and learn to “do all things without complaining or disputing.” (Phil. 2:14) Let’s just call sin sin, no beating around the bush or twisting things to keep ourselves comfy. Real sorry about that, guys.

soft glow.

beau⋅ti⋅ful [byoo-tuh-fuhl]: having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind; excellent of its kind.

What increase in intimacy would there be if we allowed God to “delight our senses and mind”? Hm.

It’s Monday, October 12; and 4.5 hours ago, I woke up. I just spent the better part of the last ten minutes staring blankly at the soft glow coming from the baby lamp on my table at Higher Grounds. I live moment by moment. That was one wasted moment and I now have glowing circles following my eyeballs. Maybe I’ll pretend they’re angels: I mean, its IHOP, right? I just drank 12 ounces of Tropicana, no pulp (cause thats the only way to truly enjoy orange juice), and now I’m twisting my mini-mullet into two horn-like dreads. Free time inches away like the tortoise in the anti-rabbit fable: but slow and steady wins the race, as I recall. There’s a man at the table next to me that resembles Aaron Weiss, only balding and wearing windbreaker pants and an Etnies hoodie that aren’t quite matching blues- worst color combo (blue on not quitethesame-blue). No. Wait. Ok, yeah, not Aaron Weiss.

I decided yesterday to end my facebook-stalking relationship with Joel (more ”of” Joel than “with”, really) and have now focused all my attention to stalking the letter H mailbox. Both provide absolutely no satisfaction whatsoever, except I can yell at the letter H mailbox for withholding from me. Maybe I’ll stalk God- I guess people call that “gazing”. How glorious that God is waiting for us to glance at him- how much more glorious would it be if we lingered there? Perfect.

Has anyone realized how crazy sex-trafficking in Vancouver, Canada, is right now? Let me give you a little update. With the Olympics coming up in February (in Vancouver), the powers behind the sex-trafficking industry in Vancouver are trying to LEGALIZE brothels as a tourist attraction in February. Let me just let that sink in. No, read it again. Legalizing brothels in Vancouver, using the Olympics as the fuel for a longterm decision. I think a lot of people think of sex-trafficking as being somewhere else in the world (third-world countries, crazy cities like Amsterdam, what have you…), but this is Canada- America’s friendly maple-syrup neighbor. Not so friendly anymore? No, its just that nothing is what it seems. Stay caught up with current events!

About to go to my class on Song of Solomon. Yesss.

Life is good here. Jesus is wrecking my heart. It always hurts, but it hurts so good.

Eph. 1:17-18 for you guys.

maranatha.

            In the prayer room, I’ve had a lot of time to study the Bible.

            I’m just going to let that line stand alone. It’s funny ok? Of course I have! That’s part of living in a House of Prayer.

            I’ve been reading Exodus, Luke, and Revelation and let me tell you- God is a kind and generous God, true to all of his promises, strong and mighty to save, abounding in love towards all his people, passionately burning for his beautiful bride. He will return to deliver her from her oppressors and dwell in perfect intimacy with her. What a man, what a beautiful God he is.

            As I meditate on who he is, and in return, who I am as his bride; I find myself wanting to express my identity as his betrothed. When you know what kind of person Jesus is (has been and always will be), you want to be his bride, you yearn for his return. And that’s how it has been lately. I’ve never known him like this before.

            The past few days, I kept thinking: “Man, I want to wear a beautiful white dress for him today. I want to always be in that dress when I’m in his presence.” I would see myself spinning on a small hill surrounded by wheat fields. I was wearing a beautiful white dress, flowing perfectly as I danced. It seemed like I was alone, and yet I was visibly caught up in another world- gazing at something/someone who was invisible to anyone but me. Out of the corner of this serene picture, a man strode toward me. I stopped and looked at him as he stood close to me- and there was this moment when I recognized him, but reveled in gazing at his face and frame. Without a word, he slipped his hand around my waist and grabbed my hand, spinning me around. And it was as if creation itself echoed our joy made complete, our contentment in each other’s presence.

            And I’d come back to sitting in the prayer room. “Man, do I want that white dress to wear for You.” I kept hearing a still voice whisper, “Rend your heart, purify your heart, put on humility and clothe your inner man in white.” Oddly enough I kept thinking it was me. I know, crazy.

            Later, I thought, “God, I wish I could wear a beautiful engagement ring on my finger to mark me as your betrothed.” He replied, “But I already gave you one.” (Anyone who doesn’t know this, I prayed for God to give me a ring as a symbol of his undying love and promise to me as his bride back in 2007. Long story short, he did. And it’s beautiful. So beautiful) “I know, I received it through someone else and I thought maybe you could give me the money and I would go buy one as also a symbol of my devotion to you. And only you and I would have a share in that ring.” I think he kind of laughed a little inside since I already have his name permanently on my hands. “Well, what about Joel’s ring for you?” “Well….I don’t know….I could figure something out I’m sure.” “You wouldn’t take my engagement ring off for his, would you?” “Uhhh….” And that’s pretty much where that conversation ended, though I revisited the idea of it often afterward. I didn’t want to sacrifice anything Joel would give me, but I was radically searching for a way to express my betrothal to Jesus outwardly.

            And so it went, even into tonight; until, I took my 500^th trip to the bathroom which is, incidentally, where I do some of my best thinking (even though the trips usually last no more than five minutes). It hit me like God dumped a bucket of water on my head. My engagement and marriage to Joel is the representation of my engagement and marriage to Jesus. When Joel puts a ring on my finger, Jesus is putting that ring on my finger- that seal of love. On my wedding day, when I slip into that beautiful white dress- it’s not just Joel that I’m wearing it for. My betrothed in Heaven is rejoicing over us. I believe a bride, clothed in white, presenting herself to her betrothed, is intercession for Jesus’ second coming. Keeping this mindset, we cry out to Jesus: come back and receive your bride and clothe her in white! Think of the weight this carries in the spiritual world- that’s why Satan seeks to destroy the sacred bond of marriage with divorce. Jesus is jealous for the heart, soul, mind, and body of his bride.

            Maybe this was all very clear to everyone else, but it hit in a new place for me: I have a beautiful man in Heaven who will laugh and rejoice at my engagement, he’ll be moved by the love in his heart when he sees me walk down the aisle to my man on earth. My heart, my ring, my dress, my steps, my flowers, my vows, my reception, my wedding party, my candles, my groom, my wedding night will reach his ears as a cry of love: “Come now, Jesus. Your bride has made herself ready. Even now, maranatha.”

            “And the angel said to those who were standing before him, ‘Remove the filthy garments from him.’ And to him he said, “Behold, I have taken your iniquity away from you, and I will clothe you with pure vestments.” (Zechariah 3:4)

            “Yet you have still a few names in Sardis, people who have not soiled their garments, and they will walk with me in white, for they are worthy. The one who conquers will be clothed thus in white garments, and I will never blot his name out of the book of life. I will confess his name before my Father and before his angels.” (Revelation 3:4-5) (sounds like wedding vows to me…)

            “Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out, “Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it is granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure” –for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.” (Revelation 19:6-9)

 

            So, rend your hearts and not your garments. Seek to love him. Intercede for Jesus to come back. Our 80-100 years on earth compared to an eternity of married life with Jesus, resurrected bodies, and intimacy in his glory? Why aren’t we more aware of his return? How many of us realize that Jesus promised he wouldn’t return until the leaders and authority in Israel say “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!” (Luke 13:35) How many of us, knowing this, pray faithfully for Israel’s salvation? We need God to romance our hearts with the knowledge of his Son.

            He did not create us out of need, out of emptiness inside. We exist as an overflow of love from the heart of God. And he is coming back to earth to rescue and avenge his bride. He died so he could have us forever. He’s coming back to be with us. His bride, his wife, the love of his life.

            Devote yourself to knowing his plans, his ways, his thoughts- they are all a part of who he is. Knowing God means all of that.

I love you guys.

unfolding glory.

Well, this is the start of something new. Where to begin, where to begin….

I made it!

It’s my fifth day in Kansas City and I’m just now getting settled into a normal routine. Let me tell you what I do. : )

Everyday I wake up around 2:30-3pm, have breakfast shortly thereafter (breakfast hours are 12:30-4:30pm for nightwatch), dinner at 6:00pm, class from 9-11pm, lunch at 11pm, and the prayer room from 12-6am. then in bed by 6:30am. Rinse and repeat. Friday through Sunday we have Encounter God Services and our church service at Forerunner Christian Fellowship from 6:00-classtime. Sundays I have dinner clean-up at 5:30pm and Tuesdays I have Transcribing Service from 4-6pm. And, get this, we have to be 10 minutes early to anything on our schedules or we’re considered tardy. HA! So funny. Some of you guys at home would have real problems with that…coughnatecough!

Its pretty cool actually. I really do love the nightwatch. I still have quite a bit of adjusting to do, but I know God will give me grace for it. IHOP-KC is such a strange enviroment, especially for someone in an internship. There are a lot of rules, but I know that it’s in my best interest to follow them. Here are some of  my rules: no talking to Joel except through written letters sent through U.S. Mail, no texting, emailing, calling, etc. anyone of the opposite gender (except family members), no riding in cars with anyone of the opposite gender, no one-on-one conversations with anyone of the opposite gender, no sweatpants in the prayer room (you might be surprised at how hard this one is), no playing of any acoustic instruments (guitar, djembes, etc) in your apartment, no taking shoes off in the prayer room, no laptop use in the prayer room except in the hours of 2-4am and only for bible verse sites (blueletterbible, biblegateway). And I’m sure there are more. It seems crazy, I know, but I can see where they’re coming from. Every person in this internship entered a season of consecration to the Lord, devoting themselves to uninterrupted time with Jesus. For a lot of people, getting close with members of the opposite sex would be extremely distracting. So they made a general rule to help guard all of our hearts. I’m actually really proud of everyone- for the most part we know what we’re here for and we’re not even “going there” with our attention.

But I do miss my friends. I have had pretty much no time to talk to anyone. I check my facebook and email during dinner and call my mom right after I wake up. Thats pretty much been the extent of my keeping up with people. I have free time today, but only until 8pm when I have to be in the prayer room for the monthly Global Bridegroom Fast (we stay in the prayer room 10 hours  the first Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of each month). Oh and Wednesday is our Sabbath so we don’t have to be anywhere except meals and the prayer room at 4am.

Its been pretty wild as far as encountering God here. I feel like I couldn’t possibly get any dirtier spiritually. I feel like an onion that is perpetually being peeled back to expose more of what I thought I had uprooted. All my secrets are exposed in the light of God’s presence. It’s not pretty, except in the sense that I’m being made new. The funny thing is that I totally called it- I knew it would be rough. But there is beauty coming. I have the hope to see it (hope, as in, confidence in God’s faithfulness to his word).

I never realized how incredibly difficult it would be to not talk to Joel. I think everyone else totally underestimated it too. Sure, it’s romantic. But it really isn’t fun and it’s extremely frustrating. I mean, don’t misunderstand me, I know its so so good for me; I just recognize the difficulty that comes with doing what is right. I know that when I stand before God to give account of what I’ve done for him, this will be one of those things that screams “I love you! I love you! I love you! You’re worth it all.” It’s totally worth it if I can, in some way, sacrifice to show Him that I have not forgotten what He has done for me.

I love learning about God’s character. I love it. He is more kind than I EVER grasped. I think we receive waves of revelation on how loving, compassionate, gracious, merciful, and kind our Father is. We have to meditate on it, we can’t let those revelations come and go. With each new revelation, I want to grow. Hold onto it. Breathe it. Bleed it. Be it. sigh.

So thats about it. Stay tuned for the next post: Radical Holiness- embracing our frames.

I love my boyfriend.

-Laci

more about moi.

It seems I am long overdue for an update on here. My sister smells like perfume heaven, thanks to Betsy Johnson. It just hit me as she walked into the room.  Lovely.

Well, the past two weeks have been rather eventful for me. I’m not sure that I really want to go into the details of everything because it feels to big and tedious to explain right now. I think I’m in one of those moods today. So here it is: I have 3 new siblings. oh yeah, its cause, well duh, i mean, ok -I found my birthmom, Christi. And its really cool. I finally know things about myself that I always wondered. I’m a quarter Italian.

I don’t want to be too sentimental about this or too forward, but I’m pretty happy about all of this. Here are some pictures.

Christi, my birthmom

 

Karen, my beautiful half sister

An older picture of the whole family: (from left) Justin, Christi and her fiance Tom, Kristen, and Karen

 

Christi’s mom, Margie:

Christi and the siblings live in FL, as she recently transferred with navy. Margie lives in Oklahoma, only 4 hours from IHOP-KC. Karen in 18 and a freshman in college. She plays softball and she’s pretty freaking good. : ) I’m living vicariously through her. Justin is 15 and in band at his highschool, as well as Kristen, 14. I can’t wait to meet them. : ) I just hope they like me when we do.

I just thought that everyone would like to know finally. Its all out in the open now, so anyone who was told to keep it on the DL doesn’t have to anymore. Well there it is.